As Thanksgiving approaches, the excitement among all American citizens increases to celebrate the white man’s accomplishments of figuring out how to grow food, thanks to the Native Americans who they then enslaved and murdered. Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to come together with the family, share such healthy food slathered in grease, and laugh over murdered animals. But most of all, Thanksgiving is a time to politely discuss the current political climate. Here are some ways to deal with political conversations at the dinner table.
1. Black Lives Matter
It would not be a political conversation without your completely open-minded and accepting uncle referring to the Black Lives Matter protesters as “thugs” and claim that removing the Confederate statues is erasing proud American culture. Ah yes, the proud Southern culture of oppression, slavery, and racism. On top of that, your uncle is sporting a Blue Lives Matter hat and his new saying, “All Lives Matter!” (except for when they are not a white male, of course!) He will then inform everyone that he is not a racist and continue on with how kneeling for the anthem is disrespectful to the military- “If you don’t like this country, then the door is wide open!” He will rant about how NFL players have no business in protesting during the National Anthem since they are getting paid millions- which obviously just automatically erases the color of your skin so that all of the issues that the African American community faces in America does not apply to you! To cope with his accepting views, attempt to direct the conversation to something else, maybe a less controversial topic- like women’s rights. Since, in Trump’s America, women do not matter and only exist to please men like in the 1950s!
2. Women’s Issues
After you have changed the topic to women’s rights, your loving and caring father decides to pipe up. He asserts that he is pro-life, except for any baby or human being that is already alive that needs universal health care that he denies is a fundamental human right. He quotes Steve Bannon, and claims that birth control makes women crazy and that it should not be allowed. Your father then discusses Hillary Clinton and how she could have never been president since she is a woman who is too emotional and can never lead an entire country. She would just vent all the time and never be able to handle her emotions unlike our current president who uses his personal twitter so professionally, “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’ Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend – and maybe someday that will happen!” Can you believe the president has such emotional restraint? Your father must be so happy that an emotional woman isn’t in office! To stop this conversation, if you are a woman, go back into the kitchen and cook the Thanksgiving dinner because, according to your father, women have no business in caring for politics- or anything besides being a housewife. If you are a man, change the topic yet again, maybe to LGBT+ issues, because, in Trump’s America, they are even lesser than women!
3. LGBT+ Rights
This time, your mother interjects while serving your father his mashed potatoes, saying that same-sex marriage families are corrupting the moral image of America. Your mother asserts that “the gays” are corrupting the very moral and Christian America. She says that they should not be allowed to have children since a child needs a mother and a father to grow up to be a contributing member to her white supremacist, I mean, morally correct America. It wouldn’t be a conversation about LGBT+ rights unless someone brings up the transgender military ban. Your mother is outraged that moral American tax money goes to paying for transition surgeries, but of course she ignores the fact that the military covers Viagra! Then, of course, you have HB2 and other bills like it, which your mother supports wholeheartedly because she would never want gross ‘men’ in the bathrooms with women. Even though she is forgetting that these ‘men’ have transitioned to be women and they have every right that every other American woman has. To avoid any more damage, you should change the topic to something that is not even real- climate change!
4. Climate Change
As your aunt chows down on her Thanksgiving turkey, which contributes to the production of greenhouse gases since raising livestock for human consumption creates more greenhouses gases than the entire transportation sector combined, according to the good-for-nothing United Nations, she decides to talk about the biggest fraud in the world–climate change. “The weather is not becoming warmer! Just go outside and feel the chill in the wind!” she shrills- not realizing that climate change is not just the rising of temperatures, but extreme weather patterns. Climate change, according to her, is a tactic used by the Democratic Party to raise up fear in the American public to gain voters. She is glad that Donald Trump has cut back on the EPA and went through with the Keystone Pipeline, since environmental conservation is a silly thing that does not matter. To change the topic, make sure to wish her well when the world temperature raises two degrees Celsius, causing massive species extinction, water depletion, loss of crops, and extreme natural disaster. Let her know that she will no longer be able to live her lavish lifestyle with fur coats when all of living organisms are struggling to survive.
Congratulations, you have survived your Thanksgiving family dinner! You have survived and have avoided any real drama- and you are not even on dessert yet- good luck!
Disclaimer: This is a satire and does not reflect the views of myself or my family.